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She Sells Seashells and How To Take Over a Nation

You must have heard of the famous tongue twister pertaining to some shells of the sea and perhaps even tried it with varying degrees of success. However, it is with this same tongue twister that I have won over the world. Ah yes, as I sit here calmly puffing my cigar and leaning back in my leather chair with my Louis Vuitton britches, surveying my land through a big glass wall in my room, I remember my tactics so vividly.

I remember selling those seashells off my store at the seashore. Then, I had an idea that set me apart from the other peasants in the business. Really, it was so simple and obvious. I started marketing properly and stockpiling seashells. I told the mollusks in the ocean and sea to stop reproducing and thus stop the supply of these precious commodities. I hid all these shells at an island and went to the Fountain of Youth and drank the elixir of life.


Really, it was elementary, my dear Watson.


After gaining immortality, I started investing heavily in my business and started portraying shells as a luxury. I got a monopoly in the market and became the 1 percent. My face was in every magazine and every tabloid in the world. I knew what I wanted next- The Government. Naturally, I won the mayor position of my constituency. That was the easy part.


We operated in the shadows and made a hidden organization to control every aspect of the government. We changed the laws and made it so that the control can never be taken away from this secret organization. We called it… Giant Gummy Bear.


It was the most ruthless organization ever created with strict rules and an intense recruitment process. This was all in Giant Gummy Bear’s name. We had to do some very shady things just to survive.


Eventually, we got the control we seeked and successfully rooted ourselves in the administration of the city, ultimately taking absolute control over it. All the while, my seashell business was still booming.


After the city, came the next step. We ran for Minister of State with Giant Gummy Bear masqueraded under a different name, of course. I won that election and expanded our shadow government behind the scenes to such an extent that the whole state was under our control.


The seashell-selling business was able to provide us the funds needed to bribe every person involved. And by making them do seemingly menial tasks, we were able to convince them to do greater harm to themselves than they could ever imagine. Eventually Giant Gummy Bear grew and its various sects started growing larger in every state.


Finally, we infiltrated the Central Government and got control. We faked a molasses flood to let me get temporary dictatorship powers to take care of the situation and kept extending the date till eventually, I'm now dictator for life.


Now, the only thing left is to expand and go overseas. I wonder how that will go?


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