Updated: Mar 22, 2021
We've all been through it. All of us have had to endure conversations with that one friend, that one 'Intellectual Idiot.' I mean, you love them, but sometimes when they try to sound smarter than they actually are, it makes you want to throw up, or thrash them, either one.
We’ve all experienced it at least once where we just have to look deep into the corners of our mind and dig up some sort of academic-sounding reply so that we don't sound like an absolute simpleton.
However, if you're like me and spend most of your time complaining about your online classes or playing 'Among Us' with your friends, you don't exactly have the time to learn a lot about Picasso and Vincent Van Gogh!
So, to avoid accidentally bringing up your favourite painter, Leonardo DiCaprio; I'm going to be teaching you all a few tips and tricks to make yourself sound more "iNtElleCtual."
Tip Number 1
Say, "I'm still processing the depth, but I'm extremely impressed by the colourful abstract undertones."
Now, don't ask me what that's supposed to mean, because I don't know either! Most of the time, 'abstract' literally just means a random pile of trash on a canvas. However, it's just pretentious enough to satisfy both the phoney intellectual in yourself and the one across from you.
If that's too complicated, you could always just say that the supposed 'abstract' disorganised splatter of paint in front of you reminds you of your dead grandfather! I mean... you might get a few restraining orders filed against you, but at least you sound sophisticated!
Tip Number 2
Now, this might be the worst tip on this list, because it actually requires you to lay some groundwork. However, it's also the most effective.
Don't attack me, but I think it's pretty self-explanatory that the easiest way to sound like you know a lot about a certain subject is to actually know something about it.
However, just like it only takes one right answer in math class to get your teacher to leave you alone, it also happens that if you learn about one particular time-period in art history, it might just be enough to fake your way through the conversation.
I personally chose to learn about Surrealism. It's easy to understand, and the paintings are actually beautiful and thought-provoking.
A few examples of Surrealism Artwork:
It's especially easy to understand since it’s not even supposed to make sense!
So let's say 'Intellectual Idiot' asks you what you think of a particular painting. To shut them up, all you really have to say is, "Well, it certainly reminds me of the Surrealism movement of the 1920s. It's so provocative and philosophical."
Aren't I starting to sound just like 'Intellectual Idiot?'
Once again, I have no idea what I'm even saying, but don't I sound "iNtElleCtual?"
Tip Number 3
We've all seen it in the movies. The face.
The face 'Intellectual Idiot' makes when they look at a painting. You know what I'm talking about! That face- like they've just smelled something foul.
Find the face that hurts the least, and make it each time you see a painting. All you really have to do is think about that one friend of yours that seems to always forget to brush their teeth in the morning.
The outcome? 'Intellectual Idiot' thinks you're so deep in thought, that you can't even put together a string of words.
So, no. You don't need a PhD in "Art History," nor do you have to spend a year on Wikipedia to be able to hold a conversation about Art. Chances are, 'Intellectual Idiot' knows just as much, if not less, about Art than you do, and only wants to make you feel like you are inferior. Just don't do such a good job imitating 'Intellectual Idiot' that you actually turn into one, because then we can't be friends anymore.
I also really don't want to offend anyone, so for the purpose of avoiding conflict, I'm obligated to say that this article is meant to be taken as a joke. No, but seriously, I'm not saying that Art isn't fascinating. In fact I saw a painting the other day, and I just loved the dark abstract undertone...