The Unnatural Case of Body Hair
Director of Manufacturing,
Women’s Offspring Manufacturing Body (WOMB),
Alright, what do you want me to say?
Thank you? When I thought we had a deal!
We agreed on a fair female heterosexual obedient sweet and hairless offspring. And I trusted you to get it right.
So I waited. I waited and waited until I sprouted a nervous stubble myself. 14 years, 3 months and half an eternity later, I just figured the baby fur or the peach fuzz or whatever that is, wasn't going anywhere. It is here to stay.
If you haven't figured already, my ethically groomed daughter who recently entered her remarkable yet volatile years of teenage draws quite a lot of similarities with her toy bear, Simon. You and I both know that she's too pretty to be a bear (not that she is, god no!) . She is to be a lioness (minus the hunting part) - graceful, elegant and without the mane. Because, according to Mother Nature, the lions get the mane. I believe you have completely misinterpreted the forces of Nature and are thereby going against its will by imposing that my daughter shamefully endure through her life by hiding her moonlit skin under the duress of a fur coat.
All those judgemental and shallow kids in her grade, I see it in their hearts as they look at her and see nothing more than an unclean stick of broom. I have witnessed the sneer in their eyes as they behold her tan legs with patches of your gift. I know, not because they have said it aloud; I know because I have felt it too whenever I encounter that unnatural sight. When my mother told me years ago about the tales of the lucky unibrow, I wanted to believe her. But now I know, it's as much a gift as pineapple to pizza.
Therefore, in order to initiate the call for return merchandise authorization, I hereby provide you with educated arguments so as to support the claim directing the manufacturing firm to eliminate and compensate for the defect that it has let slide into its services.The supportive arguments are:
Unrestricted and unparalleled display of the beauty of skin
Accentuated by the sanskaari dupatta, her fair skin has even the moon shy away. How tying the hands of a painter is a crime to art, so is misdirecting attention a crime to beauty.
A girl mustn't go around flaunting body hair and being deemed masculine.
No! The daughters of India are straight and heterosexual, just as nature intended. Where does body hair fit in that equation?
The aerodynamics of working in the kitchen
Talking about equations, Hey Lo Physics! While graciously holding the divinity of a home and obliging oneself to the duties of a woman in the kitchen, it would be nothing more than a hurdle to have bodily hair restrict the velocity of your multitasking movements. Hence, proved.
Priority for hygiene
Hair=dark=dirty. I believe this one requires no explanation since it is the easiest to logically comprehend.
Because what is that thing on your arms and legs and where not?
I don't have it. Why does she?
(Oh! I should buy a new wax strip. Forgot the hair on my knuckles, ughh.)
I expect to be delivered nothing short of my perfected girl as I pack her up today to be sent over through FedUpEx. Now, if these aren't reasons enough for you to take back my daughter and treat her condition, I suggest you do it because I SAY SO!
Thanking you in advance,
And hope this finds you in good health (and hygiene)